If i come over, it means nothing
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
