My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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