I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
