What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize