Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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