I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
