I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Found the puke drawer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
