At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
