You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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