What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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