I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
