Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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