I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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