You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
