I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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