My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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