i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
as a side note pls kill me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
