i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
