saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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