I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
