dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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