shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize