god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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