What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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