i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
