Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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