Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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