bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
