i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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