Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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