A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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