I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I want a musical about memes.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
