I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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