the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
