Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
