not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
