New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
