remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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