Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this just has baby written all over it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
