The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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