i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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