i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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