Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
