Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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