You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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