I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize