non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
