I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
