my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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