Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Send help, water and tortillas.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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