apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it's like heaven, but drunker
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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