Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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