Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
time to smoke my breakfast
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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