I cannot find my penis.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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