I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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