she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Michael Bay diarrhea
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
