My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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