Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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