Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Boobs speak an international language.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
