Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
