u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
