If i come over, it means nothing
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
