i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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