My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
