Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
